10 Things You Should Never do During an Intervention
If you are considering an intervention, we encourage you to look through our website at the huge wealth of information we have available on alcoholism, substance abuse, and addiction issues. Other blog posts that you may find helpful are “7 Signs your Friend is Addicted to Drugs” and “How Addiction and Mental Health Go Hand in Hand”.
Planning to stage an intervention?
So you’ve made the decision – you are going to stage an intervention for your friend or loved one. You feel like you don’t have any other option as you watch the consequences of their actions move from bad to worse. You’ve spoken to them a million times, and it hasn’t made a difference. Not only that, but you’ve moved from being concerned about their choices, work performance, and general health, to worrying desperately about their very life. You need to stage an intervention, and here we’ll tell you ten things you should avoid to give yourself the best chance of success.
The Dont’s
Don’t be impulsive about whom you choose to have with you while you stage the intervention. You need to be able to rely on people not to give in to their emotional impulses by yelling and screaming or conversely breaking down and crying. The message will be lost, and the process will slow to a shuddering halt. A good rule to follow is by thinking back on how they’ve handled crisis situations before. If they’ve proved that they can keep it together, they are likely a good candidate.
Don’t meet with the addict or alcoholic when they are likely to be drunk, high, hungover, or coming down. Take some time to observe their general schedule and make a decision on when you are most likely to encounter them sober. Everybody who has been to a bar late at night on a weekend knows that arguing with someone while they’re intoxicated is unlikely to go well, so don’t undermine your efforts by trying to do it now.
Don’t pick somewhere with huge emotional ties, especially the addict or alcoholic’s home. It is too easy for them to tell you to leave, hide in another room or descend into an emotional breakdown before your eyes. Addicts especially can become excellent actors, so don’t give them the opportunity to manipulate the situation. A semi-private place is best, with no previous history or links to any party or previous conflict. Give yourself and them your best shot.
Don’t go in unprepared. Meet with the group you have chosen to form part of the intervention and decide how you want to proceed. Take into account each person’s relationship with the individual, and determine in which order everyone should speak, as well as figuring out most and least likely outcomes and what actions to take as a group as a response to each.
Don’t fall into a guilt trip. It will get you absolutely nowhere. Addicts and alcoholics are already internally punishing themselves for their actions, and their self-esteem is anything but high. Descending into an “I told you so” and listing their moral failures would be a huge mistake on your part and will only push them away further.
Don’t diverge from your pre-prepared script. You spent your time writing it for a reason. If you let yourself get side-tracked and your loved one is resisting the intervention, they’ll feel like you’re losing confidence in your argument and all your momentum will be lost. Avoid giving in to emotion and manipulation, as difficult as it may be at the time.
Don’t be vague. This is not the time for qualifiers or wishy-washy statements. Be extremely specific about the subject’s past actions that have harmed themselves and those around them. Count the relationships they have damaged, bridges they have burned, and money that they have wasted. Nobody can argue against cold, hard facts being presented to them. Become a mathematician, and you will thank yourself for it later.
Don’t leave without understanding what’s next - yes, they will get help? Or no, will they continue down the same path? The subject of the intervention will cry, squirm, avoid, distract, punish, or revert the blame onto you. Anything in order to get out of giving a definitive answer to what’s next. For them, a yes is saying goodbye to the devastating, unsustainable but nevertheless addictive life they’ve been leading; it’s saying goodbye to booze and drugs. Their addicted brain doesn’t want this to happen. But saying no means risking the few relationships they have left. So a common behavior is to try and leave everything hanging in the air. This will only bring further pain. They either say yes and get your help and support, or they say no and face the consequences. The goal is to not coerce them into an answer, but let them come to it on their own.
Don’t be too rigid. We aren’t computers and although sticking to the script is recommended, there will be special circumstances in which it is advisable to show some flexibility. If the individual breaks down and agrees to treatment almost immediately, it may not be necessary for everyone to read their testimony. If, in the course of the discussion one particular relationship sticks out as being the most likely to elicit a positive response, changing the order may be a great idea. Slow down and listen to the signals you’re receiving.
Don’t lose hope. Not all interventions work. Not everyone responds the first time. But you did it out of love, care, and respect for the person. You never know, but you may have planted the seeds for a rich harvest in the future. There is always room for hope.
We hope this has helped you avoid many of the common pitfalls that beset many interventions, and wish you all the hope and strength in the world on your journey. Everyone deserves forgiveness, love, and a life free from addictions.
To get the full guide on how to stage an intervention, download it here.
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